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Calling it?s previous position against human cloning ?a mistake,? the Bush Administration has announced that Vice-President Dick Cheny is to be the first human being to be cloned. The Vice-President is said to be ?excited? by the prospect of being duplicated. It is anticipated that the clone will grow to maturity in about two years, as it will be generated exclusively from tertiary follicle cells centrifuged with the patented cloning mixture cloneaid.

George W. Bush, wiping perspiration from his brow as he spoke, said, ?I am just elated about this new technology. It?s going to be a tremendous boon to this White House and a blessing for the Cheney family.?
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Retired Senator John Glenn has confirmed to reporters that the statement he made on the Frasier television program to the effect that he had ?seen things? during his Gemini mission was correct.

The Senator was said to be ‘confused’ to discover that Frasier is a situation comedy. ?The senator saw a news desk and microphones, and concluded that he was on a news program. He made his statement in complete good faith, based on the fact that NASA publicists had assured him that Frasier was a ?’hard news’ venue.?

Senator Glenn has not watched television in some years, due to recurrent bouts of Muniere?s Syndrome that have followed his shuttle journey. Muniere?s Syndrome is a disease of the inner ear that causes vertigo.
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Dr. Roger Leir’s daughter Chrissie has eaten all nine of the alien implants that he has removed from patients over the past three years.

The child, 5, was rushed to a local hospital, where she was found to be in good health. Attempts to X-ray her stomach failed after all six X-ray machines in the hospital broke down during her testing process.

She now causes watches to stop, cars to turn off mysteriously, and streetlights to blink out when (and if) she passes under them.

Dr. Leir said, “This is a definite setback, but we have to get on with it. I expect to be removing another implant in just a few weeks.”

Crissie says, “they taste like duck.” The implants were kept in a jar in Dr. Leir’s home refrigerator.
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Federal Bureau of Investigation spokesman Lester Headair told reporters today the the Bureau has filed a trademark infringement suit against the Daimler/Chrysler Corp. for itsuse of the name “Unibomb” for its new giant SUV.

The Daimler/Chrysler Unibomb is twenty feet high, fifty feet long and holds a hundred and fifty gallons of fuel. It is intended as a ‘suburban runabout for soccer moms who must take the games with them when they do errands,’ according to the company.

The breakthrough vehicle gets five gallons to the mile and has its own built-in stairs, which deploy when the doors are opened. In addition to two competing soccer teams, the Unibomb can hold 13,000 pounds of soccer equipment. The SUV weighs 70,000 pounds, the same as an Abrams Tank.
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