April 2004 (Page 26)

NASA scientists announced yesterday that cracks have opened up in the moon, causing the leakage of millions of tons of methane gas trapped inside. As the process continues, surprised witnesses in polar regions, who see the moon from a slightly different angle than most viewers, are observing an unusual sight: the moon is getting flatter.

?Think of it as a slowly expiring beach ball,? said NASA scientist Dr. Tilford Eulenspeigel, ?or a tire that has seen better days.? Climatologists expressed concern that massive quantities of methane could reach earth?s atmosphere and contribute to global warming. ?Based on this finding,? affirmed White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, ?we now expect global warming to be a serious problem in the immediate future.?
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Kenyan alternative medical practitioners rioted in Mombasa yesterday when an elephant prophesied in the Kolebe Artifactual Writings, a collection of witch doctor prophecies dating from 32,821 BCE, or possibly authored by Aleister Crowley somewhat more recently, galloped down Lumumba Road in the center of the city.

The appearance of the White Elephant of Mombasa is traditionally associated with the End Times, like the White Buffalo of the North American Plains Indians, the Red Heifer of the Jewish Defense League and the winning of the World Series by the Boston Red Sox.
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News organizations worldwide have received an ?accidental? release of Mars Rover imagery from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory that independent scientists are suggesting not only confirm that there was life on Mars, but also that it had reached a much higher level of development than previously thought.

JPL said that the imagery was not being kept ?under wraps,? but rather that, given the fact that the artifacts appear to be ?nothing but a bunch of pool balls,? the life forms involved in creating them ?could not have been advanced enough to be of any scientific interest.?
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The head chicken wrangler on President Bush?s Crawford, Texas ranch has resigned after only three years in office. ?I am sick and tired of trying to convince hell-raising foreign dignitaries that this is not THAT kind of a chicken ranch,?said wrangler Kenneth Starr. ?I was better off practicing law,? he continued, referring to his previous career as a prosecutor. Mr. Starr?s longtime friend and associate, former president Bill Clinton, said ?I could have told them boththat a presidential chicken ranch would be a mistake. I mean, you cannot get these foreign boys to slow down, or to understand a damn word you say.?
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