EUWWW!

I’m writing this after opening my Christmas presents, and getting some things I didn’t like, some things I’m indifferent to, and some things I really love. In other words, a typical Christmas morning.

Over the years, I’ve decided that males buying presents for the females in their lives is one of the situations that is most fraught with failure.

Whenever I go to a mall, I always walk by a certain sexy lingerie store. I can’t figure out who shops there, since I like practical underwear. Although a little lace is nice, I save my money for the clothes and jewelry I plan to wear OUTSIDE.

Then I read that most of their customers are men–in fact, most frilly undergarments are bought by male shoppers. Unless these guys are secretly in drag, they’re obviously buying gifts for their girlfriends and wives.

Male gifting starts early: I remember watching a male toddler who had spotted a pretty little girl about his age in the park. He was clearly smitten and wanted to give her something, so he offered her a real treasure: his half-eaten cookie, still wet and gooey from his saliva.

Her response? "Euwww!"

I thought, "Well, he’s started down the road. Next it will be chocolates (even though she’s on a diet), flowers (the kind she’s allergic to), and–finally–some of that sexy underwear (that probably won’t fit). Maybe he’ll eventually graduate to bling, although the diamonds he buys will probably be overly decorative and in bad taste.

She will have matured as well–she’ll smile and say "thank you," and will keep the Euwww reaction to herself.