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As the stunning news of the Obama/McCain race changes spedacross the wires, Hillary Clinton?s team carried out franticblood tests which have revealed that she?s one-eighth black,or, as used to be stated on public records in Louisiana, ?anOctoroon.? ?As an Octoroon, I want the American people toknow that I stand proud for all the races that make up thisgreat nation.?

Her campaign announced that the tests also showed that shewas 1/8th Irish, Polish, Italian, English, French, Dutch,Mexican, Chinese, Cherokee, Kickapoo, Thai, Spanish,Portuguese, and a thirty-second Canadian. ?Few Canadiansvote in US elections,? a campaign official explained.
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Prominent radio talk show host George Noory has announcedthat he has actually been broadcasting from Mars ?formonths.? Noory is unsure about how he ended up on the redplanet. ?I may have interviewed one abductee too many,? isone theory he offered during an interview with CNN?s BillO?Reilly. While NASA has managed to get a picture of Nooryfrom one of its rovers, the space agency has said that aticket home will cost the talk show host three billiondollars, and he cannot be picked up for at least twentyyears, even if he pays in advance. His network declinedto comment on whether or not they would purchase the ticketfor him. ?He sounds just fine,?read more

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As part of the Catholic Church’s new “fast track”canonization process, Pope Benedict has accidentallycanonized aSt.Andre cheese. The powdery, pale skin of the cheese wasmistaken for the mummified face of the saint, and, followingVatican tradition, it has now been placed in a reliquary forveneration by the faithful. Pilgrims wishing to pray at thecheese will find it in a large golden reliquary that is tobe installed in theChurchof St. Andre in France. “Who knows,” the pope said afterthe error was discovered, “maybe praying before the cheesewill gain favor with St. Andre. He may have very muchenjoyed cheese.”

NOTE: This news story, previously published on our old site, will have any links removed.read more

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The implant in Whitley Strieber’s left ear that uses mindcontrol to force him to continuously talk about it burstinto flames on Monday and burned to the ground. Now it’sgone and he has no further reason to mention it in any waywhatsoever for any reason. Strieber was once again tellingfriends over dinner about the implant when it made acrackling noise, then went up in a puff of smoke. As all ofhis dinner guests were asleep, none of them witnessed theevent, and his camera had just been eaten by the dog, so hegot no photographs.

NOTE: This news story, previously published on our old site, will have any links removed.read more