A group of fifteen chimpanics entered Manhattan?s famedFedora City hatshop this morning and ate thirty-five strawhats, including Panamas worth in excess of $500.00 each.Headwear Diplomate Ann Sothern said that ?they seemed veryexcited when they came in, attempting to try on derbies,fedoras and tophats, but their head sizes were not coveredby our stock. That was when they ate all of our straws.?
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Soup made from the common bat has been found to possiblydiminish the effects of bird flu, andthe White House has announced that the National Institutesof Health will be enforcing twice-weekly consumption of batsoup by all Americans. NIH Enforcement Director GeneralEmilio M. Vargas says that bats must be steeped for aminimum of 30 minutes, and the soup eaten in the morningwhen its effect is most pronounced. He warns that Americanswill be ?checked to be sure this is being done.?
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Physicians have been worried that there will not be enough star anise available to create the Tamiflu drug needed if there is a bird flu epidemic. Now chemists have discovered an alternative medicine, from the sweetgum tree, which is widely grown throughout the US.
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It has been revealed that a group of government officials known by the ironic name of The Lincoln Group has been spreading propaganda and disinformation about the Iraq war.
Andrew Buncombe reports in The Independent that this group pressures newspapers to print news about the war slanted towards the viewpoint of the Bush administration. In other words, they print what the government wishes was happening, instead of what is really going on in Iraq. Iraqi newspapers have been paid thousands of dollars to print these upbeat versions of the news.
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