aprila (Page 2)

Surgeons in Denmark accidentally set fire to a patient’sgenitals while doing routine surgery to remove a mole on hisleft buttock, local authorities in Kjellerup report. The 30year old man had an attack of flatulence during the surgery,which led to a flash fire that ignited surgical spirits onhis genitals. The man said, “when I woke up, my penis andscrotum were burning like hell.” The hospital called it “anunfortunate accident.” The unidentified victim is suing.

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For seven hundred years, the annual papal Palm Sundayprocession has followed approximately the same route, butthis year the pope took a wrong turn, leading thousands downalleys, through a coffee bar and into a rail yard, where theprocession degenerated into a chaos of waving palm frondsand sheep, which escaped from a stopped cattle train in theconfusion. A distraught Pope Benedict XVI announced thatthis was just another indication that the end times are uponus. “Strange behavior and odd signs indicate the approach ofthe latter days,” he said as he used his symbolic staff inthe actual herding of sheep.

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NASA scientists announced yesterday that cracks have opened up in the moon, causing the leakage of millions of tons of methane gas trapped inside. As the process continues, surprised witnesses in polar regions, who see the moon from a slightly different angle than most viewers, are observing an unusual sight: the moon is getting flatter.

?Think of it as a slowly expiring beach ball,? said NASA scientist Dr. Tilford Eulenspeigel, ?or a tire that has seen better days.? Climatologists expressed concern that massive quantities of methane could reach earth?s atmosphere and contribute to global warming. ?Based on this finding,? affirmed White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, ?we now expect global warming to be a serious problem in the immediate future.?
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Kenyan alternative medical practitioners rioted in Mombasa yesterday when an elephant prophesied in the Kolebe Artifactual Writings, a collection of witch doctor prophecies dating from 32,821 BCE, or possibly authored by Aleister Crowley somewhat more recently, galloped down Lumumba Road in the center of the city.

The appearance of the White Elephant of Mombasa is traditionally associated with the End Times, like the White Buffalo of the North American Plains Indians, the Red Heifer of the Jewish Defense League and the winning of the World Series by the Boston Red Sox.
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